Finding Identity By Embracing My Own Gifts
This article is third in a series reflecting on how PennWest Edinboro’s Chi Alpha retreat helped me learn about the importance of community support and mindfulness. This installment focuses on how the experience helped me find my identity.
After breakfast on the second day of the retreat, Edinboro Chi Alpha Minister TJ Shaefer gave us a brief sermon on the spiritual pathways to feel closer to God. He explained that people practice their faith through nature, service, study, celebration, justice, or quiet reflection. What stood out to me was the emphasis that we can find our faith anywhere, whether that be in a church, our home, or simply walking to class.
After the sermon, we filled out a questionnaire to help reveal the pathways we used most. Nature ranked highest for me, followed closely by caregiving, enthusiasm, and contemplation. Seeing my scores reminded me that there is a uniqueness to my faith. No one’s relationship with their faith is identical, and I realized that I don’t need to imitate anyone else’s faith or personality to find mine.
Later that morning, I attended a workshop on activism, led by Edinboro Chi Alpha minister, Ashleigh Presser-Palmer. She spoke about biblical and modern-day historical figures who used their faith to stand up against injustice, including Jesus himself.
One biblical story that Presser-Palmer brought up was when Jesus flipped tables in a temple in Jerusalem. The false teachers in the temple were discovered to be exploiting merchants and church funds for their own personal gain. This infuriated Jesus, so he took a stand against those who were affected by greed. The story helped me to realize that I can’t be so passive with my faith, which inspired me to write this series. The workshop reminded me that we all have compassion. I was led to think that caring for others was a weakness, but this session showed me otherwise. My power comes from my care for others. It is what made me who I am.
Later that night, we analyzed Rembrandt’s painting, The Return of the Prodigal Son. What immediately drew my attention was the prodigal son kneeling in ragged clothes, embraced fully by his father. No conditions. No shame. Just love.
We were then asked to move to one of the four corners of the chapel, each representing one figure in the painting: the prodigal son returning to God; the older brother struggling with bitterness and comparison; a woman gaining fresh perspective on God’s character; and another brother healing from past wounds that have affected his faith.
At that moment, I felt myself being drawn to the second corner. Shame and bitterness that came from the urge to compare myself to others in my basketball career or even in my everyday life have been following me around for as long as I could remember.
What surprised me though, was the fact that all of my teammates that came on the retreat with me went to the same corner and for the first time in a while, I felt as if I wasn’t alone in this battle. Something shifted. The exhaustion I’d been carrying all day disappeared, replaced by energy and an overwhelming feeling of joy.
Later, as I was walking over to another bonfire gathering, I simply asked God to show me who I was.
When I reached the bonfire, I found all the seats around it taken, except for the one next to a student named Carl from Penn State Behrend. We got to talking and like any initial conversation between college students, majors came up. He told me that he was an electrical engineering major, the same major as my uncle who mocked me for switching majors. I braced myself for judgment. Instead, he told me he was impressed. He said he could never write, speak, or connect with other people like I do.
With that simple compliment, I realized that no matter what other people think or say about me, I had the gifts that were meant for me, and I don’t have to do or be anyone else.
Through this retreat, I learned that my identity isn’t found in comparison, perfection, or performance. It is found in embracing my gifts and trusting my faith regardless of what the doubts others place on me.